According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the noun balance can be defined as ‘mental and emotional steadiness’ and the verb to balance can be defined as ‘to bring into harmony or proportion.’
There are many other definitions listed in this entry but I really felt like these spoke to me. I recently read and heard women I admire talk about how the concept of finding balance is not a good one and that we (women) should not try to achieve it. It got me thinking that it mostly seemed like semantics to me.
Let me explain. Their argument was that you can’t possibly dedicate equal amounts of time to everything in your life and be good at all of it. We should just all give up in trying to be a good parent, professional, partner, etc. all at the same time because it is impossible. The fallacy here is that when finding balance that all effort must be equally divided. While this can be a definition of balance, it doesn’t necessarily need to be.
I would like to redefine (or reapply better definitions of balance) to the concept of finding balance in my life. I don’t want to be told that I can’t do it. I want to be a good doctor, wife, mother, and whatever else I choose to be. I also understand that it is impossible to give yourself 100% to all of these things all the time.
Finding balance to me means that you learn how much effort you need to put into each area of your life, so that you can bring it into harmony and find your mental/emotional steadiness. These efforts will likely change throughout your life.
I want to encourage each and everyone of you to find your balance. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t have all the things you want. I found that being kind to myself and setting new expectations are the most helpful ways to do this. I know I am a good mom, even if I can’t attend all of my children’s school events, dress them up for every holiday, or make them home made cookies every week. These ideas and many others are markers of being a good mom that I made up for myself and have nothing to do with reality.
Once I realized that I was my own worst critic, I started working on fixing it. Whenever crazy thoughts come into my head, I try to think what I would tell a loved one. I try to apply this to all areas of my life, not just motherhood. I have plenty of judgemental thoughts about myself about my work, marriage, my body, my health, and pretty much any topic you can think of. My strategy now is to notice these thoughts but not to act on them. Breathing, thinking of what I would tell a friend, and re-directing my thoughts to accomplishments I had in the specific area I am judging myself in have all been helpful.
The next time someone tells you finding balance in your life is impossible, feel free to smile and nod. Remember, finding balance is whatever you make it mean to you. But also know you can’t be everything to everyone all the time, so don’t set yourself up for failure by burning the candle at both ends.