What is guilt? Merriam-Webster defines it as ” the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously” or “feelings of deserving blame especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy.”
I recently started listening to a life coaching podcast (The Life Coach School by Brooke Castillo, no affiliation or benefit from me mentioning this) and the premise is that our thoughts control our feelings, that then lead to certain actions. Part of the challenge is to think about what some of the most frequent feelings you have are and last night I realized that I feel guilty almost all the time.
Last night, I was feeling guilty because I am white. As I listened to the radio, watched the news on TV, and read many, many articles online, I first felt angry and horrified. But then, I felt an immense guilt because I thought to myself, “If I feel this way, then how must black people feel?” I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to feel angry, sad, or whatever else because it didn’t seem fair.
I don’t think I would have had the thought process that followed without having been listening to the podcasts but I’d like to take you on that journey because I think a lot of us feel guilty, without realizing how much time we spend doing so. Guilt is not an emotion I would like to keep feeling over and over and I want to learn how to turn it into something more productive.
After I realized I felt guilty for being white, I started thinking of other times I felt guilty. When I was in medical school, I felt guilty for missing things because I was studying. When I was in residency, I felt guilty because I missed many important celebrations and holidays because I was working. As a doctor, I feel guilty on my days off, because I am not answering my patients’ messages or able to see them in the office. When I became a mom, I started feeling guilty for not being there for my kids all the time, for going to work when they are sick to take care of other children, for missing their school events, and a very long lists of other reasons. When my son was in the NICU, I felt guilty because I couldn’t stay all day. I felt guilty because I had to go back to work after 3 weeks of his birth and I wasn’t able to be there enough times a day for him to learn to nurse (which at the end didn’t matter because he did learn and he nursed full time when he came home). Whenever bad things happen, whether it is a storm outside, a protest, famine, bombings, I feel guilty because I am not suffering and others are. I especially felt guilty when the pandemic started because I was able to do telemedicine from home and not be in the frontlines.
Although it seems quite obvious that I am having guilt like this all the time, I was completely overwhelmed when I realized how much guilt I have and how much effort I put into rationalizing it, pushing it away, ignoring it, and even denying it.
Last night, I decided it to take charge of this feeling. I wanted it to end now but understanding the thoughts that lead to this guilt is going to take time. I am happy I can now identify this emotion. I am hopeful that I will turn guilt into a more positive feeling and that this will allow me to use up all the time I spend now feeling guilty to do some amazing things. Like keep fighting for racial equality!
I started to do some research online. I found a blog that defined guilt in a different way than I mentioned above. “Guilt arises when someone is concerned that society will disapprove of their actions.” From this statement, the writer starts to wonder what happens if you let go of what you think you *should* be doing and instead, be true to yourself. Because then, guilt has the power to create freedom. (https://www.lifebydanielle.com/transformational-power-of-guilt/)
I can now start breaking down the thoughts that lead to my constant guilt. I think both definitions have a truth to what I am experiencing. I like Merriam-Webster’s definition of “feelings of deserving blame especially for IMAGINED offense but also noticed that a lot of my guilt is related to societal norms. So what if my son didn’t nurse full time when he came home? What if I missed a 30 minute meeting at my daughter’s school?
Bringing this back to why I started thinking about guilt last night, I really want to use the intense emotions I am feeling right now to be an ally to all the people of color in this country. I cannot change the color of my skin, where I came from, or what I look like. I now realize my feeling of guilt is not because I am white, but because of the thoughts that I have that I have not done enough to fight for racial equality. It is not enough to “be liberal” or work with underserved populations or donate here and there to organizations that support people of color.
Racism has to be fought all the time at all levels. It starts in our home, with our children and family members. We don’t let the jokes or comments slide by. If we see it at work, we say something. We educate ourselves and not burden others to teach it to us. We donate money if we can, but time can be donated too. We volunteer. We vote for leaders that will help change the system. We keep the conversation going.
