Talking about grief was not my intention for this week’s blog post but life is always throwing curveballs at us and I decided to break from my previously planned schedule and write about grief and loss.
There is never really a good time to talk about grief, but there were too many untimely deaths in the last 2 weeks that I have witnessed and it is time for me to start processing them. I know some of you reading this post may know them as well, and I hope this can help a little.
I have always struggled with processing grief and any other intense feeling in medicine. There is really not a lot of time to sit and be sad. We often get told our patients have died via an email while we are in the middle of a busy clinic day. Sometimes, you lose a patient you are caring for on the floor or ICU or that you spent some time trying to resuscitate. Once that happens, you have to then finish your shift. Sign a death certificate, see the next patient, write the next order, do the next admission. If you are lucky, you can go in the bathroom, cry real quick, and then get back to it. I mostly try not to think about it until I am home and alone.
The losses I witnessed the last few weeks were not my patients but they were also not close friend or family members. It is easier for me to know what to do with grief and sadness when the person that passes away is close, even though it may seem like a worse loss. In my mind, you are then allowed to be sad, take time off, do the typical things society expects you to do when the unthinkable happens.
I found the feelings that came up during this last week were similar to those I experienced as a resident and now as an attending when I lose a patient. I know I feel sad but at the same time, I immediately wonder if I am allowed to feel that way. After all, I am not a close family member or friend. I have worked around that thought in the past by giving myself permission to feel whatever it is that I am feeling but I also noticed there is guilt that comes up when I do that. Who am I to feel sad and want time to process the death of this person that wasn’t so close to me?
I don’t have any great advice to give around this topic but I did want to share what has helped me and what I am doing now. Writing this post was the first step in dealing with my feelings. I found a great quote from Shakespeare that says “give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” If writing is not your thing, try talking to a friend, therapist, or family member. Don’t keep it inside.
Let yourself feel all the feelings. This one is so hard. I don’t like to cry or feel emotional. I also don’t have that much alone time and I don’t like to do this around other people. The shower is a good place for me but I have also been thinking that getting into nature/outdoor spaces for some thinking time will be helpful. The guilt and feeling that I shouldn’t feel sad or affected by these events keep coming up and I just tell myself that it is fine to grieve in whatever way I need to do it.
Donating in the name of beloved people that have passed away is the best way I know how to start moving forward. I also reach out to those closest to them and express my sincerest condolences. I learned from past experiences that when you are going through a rough time, it is not that helpful to say, “let me know if you need anything.” If I feel like I have something specific to offer, I will say that. For example, I always ask for information on preferred places for donations but may also ask if I can drop of a meal, bring coffee, or help with babysitting depending on the situation.
Be kind to yourself. Have self-compassion. I like to pretend I am talking to my dearest friend whenever thoughts come up that are not the best. Would I speak to my best friend or sister like that? Most of the time, if not always, the answer is no. Whether your brain is saying you are being lazy because you need a little time off or telling you that you are not close enough to the person to deserve feeling sad, think what you would say to someone else.
I will return to regularly scheduled programming next week but I wish you are all taking care of yourselves!
