People ask me all the time, “how do you do it all?” The truth is I don’t. Some weeks, I am the best mom and don’t focus on work. Other weeks, I barely see my children. I have talked about mom guilt in the past but this blog post is about the next step. Once you have realized that mom guilt is pretty normal but also not helpful and ok to ignore, the next thing is to be kind to ourselves about not being awesome at everything all the time.
Many people talk about how achieving balance is not possible and we should not try to do that. I think I have talked about this before, but in my mind, achieving balance only means that I get to focus on whatever I want at any given time. For example, the weeks I am on service, including overnight call, I know I won’t be able to make it to school events or take them to sports during the weekend. Life won’t be a perfect split between every area (home/school/work/relationships/etc.) and my attention will be divided as needed.
March is Women’s History Month and I wanted to write blog posts that honor women. Since I am a working mom and that is what I know, I am writing about not trying to do it all at the same time. I completely believe that a woman can be a great professional, mother, partner, friend, daughter, and anything else she wants to be. I also know that trying to be perfect at all these things at the same time will drive anyone crazy.
So what to do? Here are some tips that work for me. For the record, I am constantly working on reminding myself of these and I definitely slip sometimes. I often wish I could be perfect and do everything at once. Then, I remember that there is no such thing as perfect!
Tip #1 – Stop wishing for things to pass
Every Sunday, I make a schedule for the week. I noticed for quite some time I would say to myself that this week was super busy. Eventually, I realized I was thinking that every week. What was I waiting for? When was the week where things were not busy coming? I would think that when the not busy weeks would come, I could then “catch up” and do all the things that I was supposed to be doing. You know, things like organize my children’s playroom, go through their clothes to donate, and make a photo album for grandparents, for example. It may sound like a cliché, but life is short. I decide to be present and to stop thinking life was busy. I now practice saying “I have a rich life” or “I have so many opportunities”.
Tip #2 – Let go of expectations
I know you have heard this one before. I love having my bed made but sometimes that doesn’t happen. I did not send hand-made Valentines for my daughter’s class. We do take out on the weekends. The more we tell ourselves “we should”, the more we judge ourselves. I should know this because I do this constantly. I have to be very aware of every time a thought that starts with I should pops in my head. If you find yourself doing that, try a different thought instead. For example, if you are too tired to make dinner and you tell yourself you should not be getting take out, try thinking that you are doing a great job and you deserve a break.
Tip #3 – Prioritize what is important to you
There are only so many hours in a day. Only you know what is most important to you and helps you be the best person you can be. I need to work out several times a week. I have made a schedule where I can do that at least 4 times a week but often it is more. Sometimes, I feel guilty that I get home and work out instead of being with my children right away. I also know that having that time to myself helps me be a much better person, including mother, so I move past that thought and trust that I am doing the right thing.
Tip #4 – Set boundaries
The best way to use your time effectively, is to be able to say yes to the things you love and no to the things that you don’t want to do. I definitely struggle in this area but have been working hard to improve. Every time you say yes to something you don’t want to do, you are saying no to something else that may be more important that the thing you said yes to. My advice is to set time limits for any activity you are doing, whether it is work or getting on social media. This way you will be able to use your time in the most efficient way possible.
Tip # 5 – Be kind to yourself
I throw this tip in every chance I can. Mainly because I have such a hard time being kind to myself. I need to constantly remind myself to do this. When I realize I am being extra harsh or self-judging, I then pretend that I am speaking to a dear friend. I have no problem being kind to the people I love and I believe so deeply in what I tell them. It is very helpful for me to use the same tone and compassion that I use for others with myself since it does not come naturally.
I hope these tips help! Trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be and that this is all part of the journey. Feel free to comment with any other tips you have about not trying to do it all below!