Mom guilt 3.0 – let’s normalize this stuff!

Next Sunday is Mother’s Day, so of course I had to write something about being mom. I wasn’t sure what to focus on at first but after a deep dive through the Internet, I realized that mom guilt is still one of the top things that affects mothers everywhere. Whether you are a working mom, stay at home mom, or some combination of this, the guilt is there!

In the past I’ve written about working to get rid of the guilt but this has not worked as well for me, so instead, I thought it may be easier to just normalize the feeling, acknowledge it but then…move on. Don’t dwell on it, don’t try to justify it, or repress it. Say hi to the guilt and then let it go by, like the balloon you forgot to tie down at your kid’s birthday party that now flew away and led to a really fun tantrum since it obviously became their favorite balloon that they wanted to keep.

Below are some things I know lead to mom guilt for myself that maybe you can identify with as well. Let’s talk about them, acknowledge them, and let them go.

1. Multi-tasking. I often try to do a million things at once and realize after that I am not doing any of them well. As an example, tonight I decided to wear an Air Pod while putting my daughter to bed, so I could listen to the school board meeting. I couldn’t really pay attention to the meeting and felt guilty the whole bed time routine. I have lots of stories like that and I am learning that maybe multi-tasking is not for me after all but in the mean time, I will probably feel guilty while doing it and that is ok.
2. Self-care time. I am not a fan of the name but this label refers to things like working out, taking time to prep my healthy lunch, have coffee with a friend, whatever you want. I definitely feel guilty working out at 5pm when I know the kids are downstairs and I am done with my work but I also know that I need that work out to be a better person, not only physically but also mentally and emotionally. I feel guilty pretty much every time I am not with my children, so I get to really practice a lot when it comes to acknowledging the guilt in this case and once again, that is ok.
3. Being the perfect mom. I am not sure why this thought even occurs because objectively, no one is perfect and it makes no sense that someone should be perfect as a mother. Life is 50/50 and so is your mom. There you have it, Pinterest… I am not making hand made invitations for my children’s birthday parties and I most often don’t put notes in my kids’ lunchboxes.
4. Asking for help. Do NOT feel guilty about asking for help. I know I just said this blog post is about acknowledging the guilt we do have, so do this with this as well…but also please find a partner that can share things with you. Now, it may not be 50/50 when it comes to every single thing around your children but hopefully it is 50/50 when it comes to life in general. Maybe you do more of the kid stuff but they take care of the house, or you cook all the time but they do the dishes and tidy up after. Whatever it is, asking for help is so important. If you don’t feel like you can do that with your significant other, you may want to seek help for the relationship.
5. Talking about your kids at work. As a woman in medicine, this one definitely elicits lots of guilt but I think normalizing talking about the struggles of parenthood is so important. I absolutely encourage people, especially trainees, to share when they have to leave early because their child is sick or they have a doctor’s appointment. I don’t know who to credit for this phrase that is all over the Internet but it goes something like “women are expected to work like they don’t have children and raise children like they don’t have to go to work.” This is not reality and living like this is not sustainable. If we want to support women who are mothers in the workplace, then acknowledging that both work and raising a family are happening at the same time is key.
6. Boundaries. I am sure this is not something that only applies to working moms and it is such an important topic when it comes to wellness in general. Setting boundaries can look very different for each person and I know for me, it brings a lot of mom guilt. Whether it is missing my kids’ field trip or school event or leaving a work meeting early to carpool, I am always feeling guilty one way or another. This is another good one to acknowledge and let go. Defining your own non-negotiable values and setting boundaries is key to a well-balanced life.
7. What defines you. Maybe you always wanted children but maybe you didn’t. You may see yourself as a mom, doctor, wife, professional, whatever it is. I get a sense from talking with other women that there is often a lot of guilt when we identify as something we feel we shouldn’t or if we identify too much as one thing but not another. I am slowly learning that it is fine to identify as whatever you want and that in fact, this will likely change over time. For a long time, my identity as a physician ruled my life. Eventually, I became other things but also felt that I didn’t want one identity to take over the others. Now, I am happy to have whatever part of myself is feeling most present at the time represent me at that moment but switch whenever I want. There is guilt that comes up at times but… you guessed it…that is ok.

Wishing everyone a very happy Mother’s day and for those who are not in the mood to celebrate for whatever reason, if you feel any guilt about this, notice it, acknowledge it and let it go… you are seen!