I’ve seen Frozen too many times, how about you?
After this Valentine’s Day weekend and non-stop Frozen viewings in our house for the last 3 weeks, I was inspired to write about being in a healthy, happy relationship. I am not a relationship expert but I have been very lucky to have been surrounded by wonderful examples, starting with my parents and now with my sister’s and many of my close friends. It has been very nice to witness first hand what a good relationship looks like before being in my own. I have also come to realize that a good relationship can have many different flavors but the foundation is typically the same.
I was delighted the first time I watched Frozen (yes, I am talking about the Disney movie) because it was exciting to see two sisters saving each other, without the help of a man. The Disney movies I grew up with involved helpless dames being saved by a dashing prince, only to live happily ever after as that prince’s wife. As young girls grow up, they then continue to watch movies and TV shows where the women expect men to completely fulfill their life in every possible way. These men constantly surprise them with their favorite things, chase them, and at times, are unhealthily obsessed with them.
By the time I was in high school, I started searching for movies that I felt were more realistic. To me that meant that the man and woman did not end up together after things did not work out. No dramatic chase to the airport, no grandiose gestures, no tape recorders being held outside anyone’s window. These kinds of movies were hard to find.
So what have I learned so far? First and foremost, you need to be happy with yourself. No man or woman is going to make up for whatever is missing in your life. The right partner will make the journey better, can be there to pick you up when you are down, and even help achieve your goals but they are not a substitute for creating your own vision. I am sure most of us have heard that people will treat you how you let them treat you. I would even take this a step further and say that people will not respect you if you don’t respect yourself. This comes from self-worth and it needs to come from within.
This brings me to my second realization. Being respected by your partner is probably the most important part of a relationship. If a person does not respect you, they won’t care about your needs, your wants, or anything that you care about for that matter. If you don’t feel respected by your partner, I would encourage you to really work on that area or seriously consider walking away. A person who does not respect you, will not support any goals or dreams of your own and they will never be a true partner to you.
What else is in the recipe for a good relationship? I believe that being realistic is important. You can’t be happy every second of your relationship and maintaining one requires some work. It should not be the hardest thing you do and ideally, most of the time it is on auto-pilot, but it still requires regular maintenance. If you find yourself wanting to hurt your partner when arguing, ask yourself why. Most of us will get into some real arguments and some silly arguments but if I see my partner truly upset or if he sees me that way, we usually end up patching things up rather quickly since neither one of us wants to see each other sad.
When fighting about things that are important in our relationship, I always try to keep in mind what the goal of the argument is and what I need to happen to move forward. I don’t like to argue for the sake of it or to win but rather to get closure and move on from whatever is bothering me.
Before I had kids, I always thought if someone was in a bad relationship, they should just leave/get divorced. I now understand things can be a lot more complicated than just deciding you are unhappy and getting out. Some studies show that in marriages with a lot of conflict, staying together might harm the kids more than do good, so staying together may not necessarily be the right answer. Whatever you decide to do, always remember that you cannot be the best parent to your child if you are not happy with yourself.
After almost 13 years with my current partner, I can say that even though I have never believed in soul mates and happily ever afters, I am truly blessed. He is my true partner, always supporting and believing in me, but not only that, we are also constantly evolving and growing together. He is the ying to my yang and I will forever be thankful that Drexel University College of Medicine Class of 2010 had their welcome back outing at McFadden’s in Northern Liberties in August 2007.
