As Mother’s Day approaches, I have been thinking about what kind of day I would like. Do I want to be with my kids? Alone? Girlfriends? Date night with my husband? Am I a bad mom for thinking that I may want to have time without my children on Mother’s Day?
It was as if my son knew I was getting ready to write this post tonight when he proudly showed me the baby fish with his daddy fish while I was bathing him. I asked him where the mommy fish was. He told me, “she is at work.” I briefly felt like a dagger went through my heart but then I also felt proud. Proud that I have a career I love that is worth spending time away from my family.
When I finished maternity leave with my daughter, I hated leaving to go to work in the morning. She would be so upset whenever me or my husband walked out of the house. I asked my husband if he felt guilty going to work and he looked at me like I was crazy. Sure, he didn’t like the crying but guilt never crossed his mind. I explained to him moms feel very guilty about going to work. He told me, “well, you shouldn’t.” I really loved that statement because it was so matter of fact and true. Why should we feel guilty about going to work? Even research shows kids of working moms grow up to be just as happy as those with stay-at-home mothers and daughters of working moms perform better at their jobs than daughters of stay-at-home moms (McGinn, K., et al. 2018). I don’t want this to be evidence that all women (or men for that matter) need to work but that parents should do what they want to do when economically feasible. I also think that no matter what mothers are doing, they find a way to feel guilty about it, so you might as well do what makes you happy.
Here are some ideas about how to let go of mom guilt:
First, it is very important to acknowledge your thoughts and feelings about it. You will waste a lot of energy trying to fight unpleasant thoughts. Once you have acknowledge them, pretend you are talking to a good friend. What would you tell her? I know I would probably say something like, “Give yourself a break, you are doing the best you can” or something along those lines. I don’t know why I don’t talk to myself like that and instead say horrible things like “you are a bad mom” or “you should do better” but at least now I realize I am doing this and then practice doing the opposite. I try to journal about it too and write inspiring thoughts and affirmations to myself.
Second, don’t fall for the Pinterest or Instagram trap. For every perfect picture of crafts, home-baked goods, or perfectly dressed toddlers, there probably were 10 horrible pictures that didn’t come out well. Life is not a series of curated, filtered posts, so only follow things that bring you joy and inspire you and not that bring you down.
Finally, talk to your friends, family, or whoever is in your support system, including your partner. They will likely say all the nice things you would also tell them but don’t tell yourself and also remind you that you are not in this alone. I love talking to my husband about mom guilt because he makes me feel so much better about what I am doing and gives me perspective from his point of view.
I wish everyone a very happy Mother’s day. In a few days, I will be releasing a bonus post on how to have a great a day regardless of what is going on. I also wish strength to those who lost their mother, are struggling to be mothers, lost children, or have strained relationships with their mothers. I see you and think of you during this day as well.
