This week marks my husband’s and I’s ten year wedding anniversary (and 16 years together!). I was looking at cards to buy and so many of them talk about how the other person makes them happy. This got me thinking about that topic. It seems like a very big burden to have to make people happy. Forever. If you have spent any time with a toddler, you know that it is impossible. You are at the mercy of their little brains and who knows how they decide what brings them joy at any moment.
The answer I found to the blog title question was no. Your partner is not supposed to make you happy. You make yourself happy. Your partner can certainly help but it is not really their responsibility. Am I saying that you should be with someone who calls you terrible names, doesn’t support anything you want to do, or is never around? That is up to you! If that doesn’t bother you, then sure but if it does, then you are free to walk away.
I have written posts in the past discussing how important communication is and letting your partner know what your needs are. It is crazy to expect that someone will just guess what a person wants and that they will get it right every time. What I didn’t really talk about was that just because you let someone know something, doesn’t mean they will do it. It is also not their job to make sure you feel pretty, loved, safe, or anything else. Your own thoughts will do that.
Once you realize that you are in charge of your own happiness, it really helps to take any relationship to a much better place. You are not placing a lot of pressure on the other person to perform a certain way, which ironically makes most of us more pleasant and easier to love.
Here are my five tips of how to bring your own happiness to your relationship:
- Be clear with yourself about your non-negotiables. How is someone else going to know what you like, how to treat you, and what is important to you if you don’t know yourself.
- Spend time thinking about what brings you joy. Your partner may or may not want to participate in all of these things and that is ok!
- Communicate clearly with your partner but also remember that they are not there to make you happy. If you find someone who matches your non-negotiables as well as other important things in your life and who supports the things that bring you joy, whether they want to do them or not, then you probably will have an easier time managing your relationship. If you don’t think that person is a good match, remember you can walk away instead of trying to force them to be something they are not.
- Spend time thinking about how you want to show up. Loving other people makes us feel good. Take a few moments to think about someone you really love or even a pet. How do you feel? This trick is a great way to feel better right away but also a reminder that the more love we feel for others, the happier we feel. Deciding to love your partner and spending time thinking about their good traits, why you love them, and all good things instead of focusing on the bad will also allow you to feel happier in your own relationship.
- Fights happen but what do you make them mean? Many times our brains want to tell us that if we have a fight with our partner, something has gone wrong. Fighting is a natural part of life and how we deal with it is much more important. I have also talked about this before but focusing on resolving the conflict rather than on being right is what helps me move forward. It also allows you to focus on the specific issue and not making it mean your partner doesn’t care about you or love you.
I hope these tips are helpful. I am so grateful to have found a partner that is the complete opposite of who I am but balances me so perfectly. Even then, work is required to continue to make it work as well as it does!
I am not talking about anyone who finds themselves in a dangerous situation and are experiencing domestic violence or another kind of abuse. If that is you, please seek help as soon as possible (1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 for the National Domestic Violence Hotline).